So Fast..

A year has passed..

  It's only been a year?

I still remember last year.

  Christmas, and New Year.

    Seems like a life-time ago.

So much has changed.

  Life is so different now.

 Everything has changed.

Somehow this makes me very depressed and sad......

So Tired...

I'm so tired...

Been going out a bit too much again.

When I'm at home I want to be out.

When I'm out I don't mind being home.....

But overall it's been a good few weeks.

Though probably spending a bit too much money haha...

It's ok.... "I'm still young"....lol!  

(My favourite quote when ppl say I go out too much)

Getting sick...

Throat is sore

Today after work I felt really dizzy...

This Sunday is our Christmas service..

Gotta sing...how will my voice recover by then....

Maybe I should stay home and rest...

Too late already got plans tomorrow haha..

GG me... >.<

Vision/Realisation..

In my distress, my time of turmoil,

   I cry out to the Lord my God.

  Take my life, kill me now.

 For what is the purpose?  What is the point?

I cannot stop sinning,

   I cannot stop my emotions.

 I cannot stop my pain,

     I cannot stop my thoughts.

All day long I suffer,

  All night long I break apart.

Tossing and turning in my bed,

  Seeing nothing but darkness ahead.

Give me visions, visions of my future.

  Show me your plans, show me what you have in-store for me.

I cling onto you.... for I have nothing else.

  My only hope is on you, for I know that You are Amazing.

Apart from you, everything else is nothing.

    I am so pathetic...but at least You are Awesome....

And then I hear God's Words,

  Words that I already know:

"You cannot die yet, for I have plans for you.

  Amazing and Awesome plans

Laid out in your future.

 My will is Supreme

  And my will is for you to go on.

I will use you

  To Glorify Myself.

So strengthen your will and emotions.

    Stand up and keep walking.

  I have laid out a path for you

     And my will is for you to walk in it.

Do not despair

  For I am God

    And as you already know

   I am Amazing and Awesome

 And I Love you

With an everlasting Love."

Comfortably...

Starting to practice....

What it means to be alone...

To be comfortable being alone.

To need no one else besides God.

Misunderstanding..

zzz at people's misunderstanding....

And yet they won't clarify it...

   Instead just getting angry....

       And avoiding....

A very mature way of approaching conflict..... -.-

Thank you..

Father God...

  Thank you for creating things...
        Some things that can make me happy....
    Although just for a little while...
       At least I am happy...

God's Instrument..

"An instrument for noble purposes..

     Made holy..

       Useful to the Master..

          And prepared to do any good work."

That's what I want to be~!!!

Lord... here I am...

        Use me~

Boasting..

My pride is upon my God.

If I boast it will be about the Lord.

I do not act as the World does

  As God has called me to be set apart.

 Jesus my Rock, whom I try to imitate in all things.

If I somehow manage to impress people

    It won't be because of my external or internal.

  Whether that be how I look or act

      Nor how my personality and character plays out.

Instead hopefully it may be because

   Of my love and knowledge of God

        And that he has put his Word in my soul.

So even if how I look and act..

     Is far from being impressive.

  This would be due to my conscious effort

       As God has called me to be Holy, set apart for Him.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly

   About my significant unimpressiveness

 So that Christ's power may rest on me.

Amazing....

Once again..

     I am overwhelmed with the knowledge

  Of how AMAZING God is!!

      

Even though I myself am not very amazing at all

      I will put my faith and hope in Him.

  And trust that he is able to guard what I have given over totally to Him.

         Which is my heart, my mind, my soul.

May I become less..

    So that He may become more.

  Praise the Lord forever!

His Will

By God's Grace...

  The last few days...

 Have shown me His Will...

     And why it is so.

Praise God!

Out of my hands

And now I've finally said it...
   Now it's out in the open.
 Glad that it's no longer just trapped in my head.
    Glad that its no longer just eating at me.


And yet...
     No response.
  Positive nor Negative.


It's out of my hands now....
     But now it just seems a bit awkward >.<

Reminder to me through the Word of God

"Do not be anxious about anything

     but in everything..

  by prayer and petition,

      with thanksgiving,

  present your requests to God.

"And the peace of God,

   which transcends all understanding,

  will guard your hearts and your minds

      in Christ Jesus."

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

     and all these things will be given to you as well."

So keep praying and leaning on God.  He'll open your path and show you the direction you should take......

Alone

You are long-suffering..

   Do not take me away;

 Think of how I suffer reproach

      For your sake.

When your words came

        I ate them;

  They were my joy

    And my heart's delight,

 For I bear your name,

     O Lord God Almighty

I never sat in the company of revelers,

    Never made merry with them;

  I sat alone because your hand was on me,

     And you had filled me with indignation.

Why is my pain unending

  And my wound grievous and incurable?

 Will you be to me like a deceptive brook,

    Like a spring that fails?

                                        God's Word.

Life

I have seen the burden God has laid on men

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

I know that there is nothing better for men

Than to be happy and do good while they live

That everyone may eat and drink

And find satisfaction in all his toil

This is the gift of God

I know that everything God does will endure forever

Nothing can be added to it

And nothing taken from it

God does it so that men will revere him

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man

Than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot.

For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?

Then I realised that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink

And to find satisfaction in his toilsome labour under the sun

During the few days of life God has given him

For this is his lot.

Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions

And enables him to enjoy them

To accept his lot and be happy in his work

This is a gift of God.

Go, eat your food with gladness

And drink your wine with a joyful heart

For it is now that God favours what you do.

Always be clothed in white

And always anoint your head in oil

Enjoy life with your wife whom you love

All the days of this meaningless life

That God has given you under the sun.

For this is your lot in life

And in your toilsome labour under the sun.

Whatever your hand finds to do

Do it with all your might

For in the grave where you are going

There is neither working nor planning

Nor knowledge nor wisdom.

                                                  God's Word.

Need

God...

       I really need you right now.....

Death

What you don't get...

    Is that I pray for death

  Every single day of my life.

I will wait

    For God to give me that blessing.

Somebody I used to know..

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was "love" and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Blocked me off, not reply, or just get angry
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Blocked me off, not reply, or just get angry
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Insomnia

Far out my insomnia's coming back....

Gotta stop thinking....  I know I trust God.... but yet I can't stop thinking.

I need to sleeeeeppppp.....

Burdens and Loads

Burdens and Loads..

    Burdens and Loads...

Where is the line

   between bearing someone's Burden

  while letting them

       bear their own Load?

Amazing..

Something Amazing happened today....

Didn't feel like going...

   Always awkward afterwards....

  I'm not gifted in the skills of social networking

     Approaching and getting to know new people.

And yet, I went

    Coaxed by a friend.

  The service was good.

      The message was good.

Afterwards, during eating time

      My dreaded time....

   Due to my poor social skills.

       My inability to talk to new people.

However something amazing happened!

   I don't even know how it happened...

    My mind is a fuzz.

Suddenly I was talking to someone I've never seen before.

   And before I knew it our conversation became deeper and deeper.

About God

  About our youth groups

    About Pounds

  About Combine Youth

       About our interactions with people.

Suddenly I was sharing.

    I was explaining.

  I was listening.

       I was encouraging.

Something amazing will come out of this I'm sure.

On the drive home, I reflected.

    And I was sure God's Hand was on this night.

 So many factors.....

       I knew I was filled with the Spirit.

   I wasn't super high.

        But I felt this deep Love for God.

It's Amazing to be used by God.

  This morning before Sunday School.

     As usual I closed my eyes and said to God:

"I'm here, use me.  Tell me what to say"

I thought that was just for leading the Bible Study...

   But I guess God took the initiative and used it for tonight too.

God is Amazing.

Last thing I want to share is this:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,

     but only what is helpful for building others up

   according to their needs,

       that it may benefit those who listen."

                                           God's Word

. . .

ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

. . .

What else?

I am found only in Christ...

What else do I have to offer?

   What else can I really boast about?

There really is nothing else..

     But isn't that enough?

   Shouldn't that be enough?

             

                  What else is needed?

Torn

"For to me 

       to live is Christ

   and to die is gain...

Yet what shall I choose?

    I do not know!

I am torn between the two:

       I desire to depart and be with Christ

    which is better by far."

"For you have been given 

        not only the privilege of trusting in Christ 

   but also the privilege of suffering for him."

Both Worlds..

I've spent my whole life not worrying about what other people think of me.

     Not worrying about clothes, or how I look.

  How popular I am,

        How funny I am.

If I can dance well, or impress people with certain skills.

   I would keep doing things, even if they were uncool.

All I have is God.

Other people are different.

They used to worry about how they are,

    How they can attract people.

        How they look, how they dress.

  How they can be cool.

And now God's called them.  They've changed.

     They love God, and are close to Him.

And yet.. they still have all the previous experiences.

   They still dress well,

      They're still cool,

   Their charisma and popularity.  Their ability to attract the people around them.

And at the same time being close to God.

They have the best of both worlds.....

How can I compete?

  I have nothing, besides God.

       And they have God too.

Thus we are the same.

    There is no contest...

Erase

When will I be able to forget you

   Erase you from my heart

 Wipe you off my head

Why does the pain still come

    When glimpses of you sweep by

  When thoughts of you pop up

Where is the zip program

    Where is the archive function

  Where is the delete button

Be happy..

Be happy, young man,

   while you are young,

 and let your heart give you joy

       in the days of your youth.

Follow the ways of your heart

    and whatever your eyes see,

  but know that for all these things

       God will bring you to judgment.

So then, banish anxiety from your heart

       and cast off the troubles of your body,

    for youth and vigor are meaningless.

                                       From: God's Word.

Long hair...

Your hair is pretty long now..

   Longest I've ever seen.

I guess you're very happy now.

Happy Things...

I've been told

  to write some happy things on here

LoL :p

Life is going okay,

I'm content at the moment.

That's a good thing..  I think.

Still sick.... been sick for 2 months... coughing heaps atm :(

Happy happy things... hmmm

1. I don't like girls anymore...

2. I need more male friends....

3. Oh wait...if you put 1 and 2 together... noooo it's not what you think!!! >.<

Happy happy... hmm.

I should be getting my Fuji x100 tomorrow!  I've finally decided on it over the Olympus e-p3 (initially I had the x100 but had to send it back cuz of a dead/stuck pixel on the lcd at the back.  Then they couldn't send me a new cuz it's out of stock everywhere.  After 1.5 months they've finally given me back my refund.... minus $40's worth of postage >.<).

It was still out of stock everywhere.... so I didn't think I'll be able to get it.  However today, a place where I got onto a waiting list for, rung me...and they said they have one for me!!!!

Hopefully I can pick it up tomorrow between Outreach work and before returning back to the College!

Yay!! Happy Happy Happy.......

Wow ppl actually read this..

Wow I just realised that people actually read this....

I just assumed that no one would.

I've always written freely, as if no one else could see.

I guess I don't mind.  However usually it's written late at night, or when I'm really down.  So most of the blogs are just me being depressed.

I used to do diaries...but now I cbs anymore.  Somehow blogging over the internet is easier and more accessible for me.  Also I blog to free my emotions, rather to try and keep a record of my life.

We really are a generation stuck to the internet.  Where I get replies off facebook faster than if I txted or emailed.......

Fleeting

What is the point

  when it can be gone so easily?

When it is so fleeting

  disappearing any time?

All the effort put in

  time, money, energy

No one actually realises

  how much it costs, how much it's worth.

What is the point

  why try at all?

I'd rather just be alone

  dwelling within my own lonely existence.

PMS

I think I'm in the Emo stage of my PMS cycle.

Except lately I think the cycle is every week....and my PMS has been lasting for 8 months now.

Funny how I hear about people's problems.... and while I feel for them and wish I could make things better... the funny thing is I don't think they realise how I feel with my life.

People just assume if you don't say anything, then your life must be good.  Why must I have to tell people for them to know how I'm feeling?  People don't really care.  If they did then they would dwelve, and then they would see.

But it doesn't really matter, because nothing they can do will change it anyway.

But lately I've been so busy, hanging around so many people, doing so many things.

But yet I constantly feel so alone.

The things I do only serve to distract me from my thoughts.  But every night I lie in bed...unable to escape, unable to block the thoughts......

God is enough...?

We're constantly singing songs of praise.

"You're all I need"

"God is enough"

"All I need is you Lord"

Saying that the only thing we need in life is God, and nothing else.

But do we really believe it?  Are we satisfied with just God alone?

That is the question I've been struggling with.

We constantly crave human companionship.  We're made for interaction with other people.  Then how can we say God is enough?

I am constantly seeking God.  And yet I'm always feeling so lonely, as my interactions with other people are lacking.  

And especially, I long for that someone special.  Someone to love, to care for.  Someone who'll love me, support me, respect me.

And yet I say God alone is enough.  And I AM living like that at the moment...not really seeking other relationships.  But my soul cries out loneliness... a loneliness that somehow God alone can't fulfill.  God said "It is not good for man to be alone"...even though Adam had God already.  So God alone isn't enough?  However it must be noted that God was the one who said that.... it's not like Adam went to God and said "I'm lonely, can you give me someone else".  So Adam himself wasn't feeling lonely....was he?

Right now I am constantly telling myself that God is enough.  But I don't know if it's just because I've been so scarred... so hurt.... so crushed.... that I never want to trust another human being again.  I feel that never again do I want to give my heart to anyone.  Never again.  And so I reason that God is enough...but is it just an excuse to comfort my broken and bitter heart?

Does God want us to live in this life...surround ourselves with people.  Give our self away to other people, maybe even fall in love and get married to someone.... but then really feel that God alone is enough?  If God alone is enough, then there's no point caring about anything else.  Cuz if you cared about anything, then you'll be afraid of losing it...and then God alone wouldn't be enough.

But then.. I guess that WAS how Jesus lived.  Surrounded by people.  Always going from person to person, life to life.  And yet I think he always felt isolated from everyone... besides God.  He lived with people, and yet his relationship with God the Father was enough.

A strange concept.

How can I continue my life, depending ONLY on God... 

    And yet not let bitterness and sorrow overwhelm me? 

Sadness and misery knocking at my door. 

     Depression and loneliness filling up my life.

Is God enough?  And why is my life/thinking/emotions not reflecting that?

Loved..

Knowing that I'm loved...

   yet feeling so unloved....

LoL so funny cuz just a few hours ago I was thinking how much happier I've been lately.  Now i'm like this.  I'm so fully suffering from depression bleh.

Anyway lately I've been feeling very close to God.  Not a high feeling...but I keep constantly thinking about Him.  I want to read the Bible, I want to go to bible studies (sometimes going to 2 bible studies a week haha), I want to know more about God.  I want to do theology college.... I want to know God.

My mind is very close to God.  And yet emotionally I'm still so burnt and drained.....

Guess that's life.  

Who knows?  
   No one knows... just God.  
 No one cares...just God.  
     Once again my mind knows...
                       ..but not my heart.

Blessed

Lord, I am so blessed to be used by you to teach people your Word...

Can't Sleep

Lately I can't seem to sleep at night.

I'm slowly recovering from my cold/flu (coughing phase now)...but I'm actually finding it harder to sleep now than when I was fully sick.

Don't know why.....

I just lie in bed..

   tired...

  but can't fall asleep.

Thinking..

   Not thinking..

Don't know why, but I still haven't recovered from my sickness.

     Maybe it's a mental/emotional sickness that's manifested physically.

  Maybe it's a spiritual sickness....

I don't know..

  But I can't seem to sleep.

Forgiveness

I need to learn forgiveness.......

Solution..

Only You can mend the broken heart
And cause the blind to see
Erase complete the sinners past
And set the captives free

Only You can take the widows cry
And cause her heart to sing
Be a Father to the fatherless
Our Savior and our King

I will be Your hands, I will be Your feet
I will run this race
On the darkest place, I will be Your light
I will be Your light

Blessed..

Looking at my life

I'm so so blessed.

Dunno what I'm complaining about.

I need to really get over myself.

Man..

Man..

I gotta stop being so depressed and pessimistic lol!

It's life.. it'll always move on.  I'll move on.

Looking back over the past few months, God has always been there for me.  More so, he's always provided me with some great friends to keep me company through my super low's.

But it's so damn hard to control my emotions.. especially at night when I'm alone, or when I'm lying in bed trying to find sleep.  I really feel pathetic being overwhelmed with feelings so easily...

I need to start reading that book on Emotional Quotient (EQ)....

Sipping..

Sipping on some light desert wine..

So glad I'll be taking tomorrow off too, in accordance with my GP's recommendation.

Sick physically... sick mentally... How am I spiritually?

Spiritually...that's the only thing left for me.

Just me..

Just me...

   there is just me...

Sick..

  and alone...

But who really cares right?

Lead..

I heard, that you've moved on

   That you found a guy and you're happy now.
I heard that your dreams came true

    Guess he gave you things I didn't give to you...

I hate to keep messaging you uninvited

  But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my thoughts and that you'd be reminded,
      That for me, it isn't over...

Nevermind, I'll find someone, like you did.
   I wish nothing but the best for you, too.
"There'll be no one else after you"  I remember you said..

     I still remember the moments we shared.

Sometimes it lasts in love 

  But sometimes it hurts instead.
In the end there is only pain

     Changing my heart to lead...

Scars of love..

The scars of your love remind me of us
   They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
     I can't help feeling...

  We could have had it all

You had my heart inside of your hand..

    But you played it with a beating..

The scars of your love remind me of us
   They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
     I can't help feeling...

Low

Low.....so low...

Unrelated...and yet always interwined....

Reminiscence..

Cleaning up my room.

  Going through all the pieces of paper in creaks and crannies.

Seeing messages from my past love...

   Her handwritting...

     Her words of love...

       Her promises.

   Starting to reminisce again....

    Gosh I'm so stupid.

"I love you" for 2 years including December...

     "Break up cuz we can't work, 

     even though we love each other so so much" in January..   

         "I'm seeing someone else, and he makes me happy" in early March..

Ugh I was just recovering.  No more reminiscing!!!  Get over it!!

Back..

Back home from Thailand.

Still schizophrenic.

But somehow I feel a lot more at peace.

She's made her choice..

    She's made it clear.

Thank God.

      Please help me move on.

Love.. does not exist.

   At least not between people.

 It really is just all fake.

      Please help me remember that

                   As I hopefully move on.

God..

   I love you...

       And only you.

Selfishness

Is he really that much better than me?
Over 2 years of love...
   replaced so quickly..
     so easily.
So glad you're happy with your life...
  while other people are constantly in pain.
I guess it's ok as long as your happy..
  cuz life is just about yourself..
Who cares about what other people are feeling right?
Just like the rest of the world.

Bland-ness

Gonna leave for Thailand soon.

   I should be very happy, looking forward to the holiday.

     And I am..

  And yet I'm not.

Everything seems bland.

   All I can feel are shitty feelings..

       Even when I'm around people..

     And especially when I'm alone.

Had friends over for dinner yesterday.

  It was great fun.

    Had a friend do so much at my house..

   Clean...cooked...did everything.

  Surrounded by people..

           and yet I still felt so alone.

It's been almost 6 months already.

    Why am I still so screwed up.

  Why do I wish for nothing else besides death.

       Why does everything seem pointless.

    Why do I always think.. always feel.. always get crushed..

             by those closest to me?

Remnant desires

Behind the scene

        She means the world to me....

   I wanna tell her that she's beautiful

           And show her that she's loved....

Hold her hand when she's scared

        Tell her how much I care

    But that won't win back her heart......

Ditched

Always ditched..

     by anyone and everyone.

  Story of my life.

Friendship...

   is there anything more than just the superficial?

 People just using each other for company.

        Then moving on once they've had their fill.

     Pretending to be friends..

           but are really just acquaintances.

Where are the deep bonds?

   They are formed all around me..

        Floating past me...

      Yet alluding me.

Tastelessness

There is no colour..

        There is no taste..

   There is no music..

           There is no pleasure.

It is all bland..

    pointless..

        ..devoid of life.

The void..

    The emptiness..

        The loneliness....

      Of my soul.

Messages

Why msg me....

    And yet say nothing?

Why msg me...

   And yet not reply?

What do I say?

    What do I do?

                  What is the point?

In the cracks

The world passes by around me

     I am there....fallen in the cracks.

People pass by me

     I am there....hidden in the shadows.

Time moves on

     I float by.....like a ghost.

Disconnected...

     Uncared...

          Unloved.

Memories

Memories of the past...

     haunting me.

Pain....

   betrayal.

  How stupid I am.

Opening my heart..

    Just to let it get pierced.

  Broken

          into bits and pieces.

Confused....

  of where my future is heading.

      Or even _where_ I want it to lead to.

What to do?

   Choosing to do nothing is also a choice....

Schizophrenia

Sigh... 

Why am I constantly filled with emotions of highs and lows?

And yet the lows are always at night, when I'm at home by myself.

No one around.  Just lots of thinking.

I'm such a schizophrenic person lol!

Sigh...

More careful..

hahahaha....

I should be more careful of what I write onto here.

And yet...I did not expect that they would be reading this......

     But who really cares about being nice anymore.  Obviously "they" were sooo nice in the first place...bleh.  If you don't like what I write...then don't read it.

Guess you learn something new every day.

Disconnection

Yet again.....

Feeling disconnected......

    again........

God Avenges

It's funny realli...

  When you realise that God _is_ just!  Like I know...but now I've experienced it.

I remember when I found out what happened, I thought "When negative things happen in your life you'll know why".  And I know that it's bad that I thought that, rather than the "God forgive them for they do not know what they do", but that was what I felt.  However, I really didn't truly believe that'll happen.

And yet now, I look at my life.  My work is stable, I've been getting very easy days at work.  Nothing stressful at all.  And in the mean time the other person has very stressful full-on days at work.  Seeing all their patients.  And today and yesterday, while we were at the conference, bumping into each other and having small (awkward) talks, I find out unfortunate things in their life.

I feel sad for them, and I really do wish that their life was easier and better.  And yet...I can't help but remember back to what I thought - how can a person do this and God will still just bless them and give them everything?  Now I realise that God really does correct, he really does train people who are lacking.  I would not say God is punishing the person, but disciplining them to be a better person.  They probably don't even realise that though.

Just like in my life.  I think that things turn out the way they are.... probably because of my actions.  The sins in my life, the things that need changing.  I guess I deserved all the crap that's happened in my life.  Can't really complain I guess.

So yeah...this does show that God doesn't turn a blind eye to things that happen in this life.  While they're not "wicked", I just want to use the phrase that "the wicked won't get away with everything"...not even in this life.

Like I said, I wish them all the best in this life, and I wouldn't want bad things to happen.  But I do love God, and it's good to know that He _does_ see, he _does_ repay.  

As God said:

"It is mine to avenge

    I will repay".

I just have to trust in Him and depend on him as my Rock, and my Portion.

Waves of the riverfront

Day started out depressing.

  Feeling lonely and disconnected.

What's the point of socialising...

  These people that I probably won't see again for at least one year.

     Superficial friendship...

  Going no where....

    Achieving nothing.

Rather be alone, by myself.

   Reflecting upon life along the river front.

Hearing the gentle waves

   Breeze of the icy cold air.

  Sitting in lectures by myself.

     What's the point of sitting next to another?

Yet....

Seeing my past love.

  Wishing I didn't see her.

What was the point of her sitting next to me?

  It was just superficial... achieving nothing.  

    Just making me think.... of things long gone.

And yet

  Once the night came.

It was actually very fun.

  Maybe it's the little bit of alcohol

    Making me loosen up, and allowing me to feel happy.

Fun talking to people.

  Fun chilling in the room.

A dinner, but which is like a "Ball".

  Chilling with people.

Some friends

Some past friends

Some randoms

Overall it was a good night.

Hope I would feel better, and not disconnected tomorrow.

My portion

"When my heart was grieved

     and my spirit embittered.

  ........

  Whom have I in heaven but you?

     And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

  My flesh and my heart may fail,

     but God is the strength of my heart

     and my portion forever."

Interesting passage.  Similar to what I do feel.  No matter how down I am, God will always be my Lord.  What else is there?  There is nothing else besides God.

How long, O Lord?

"How long, O Lord? 

       Will you forget me forever?

     How long will you hide your face from me?

  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

      and every day have sorrow in my heart?

      How long will my enemy triumph over me?

.........................................

 But I trust in your unfailing love;

      my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 I will sing to the Lord,

      for he has been good to me."

Alone...

"You (have left) me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me"...

Great day!

Had a GREAT day today.  The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot or cold.  Bright Autumn Festival!

Had a great drive - though 3hrs 30 mins each way took a while lol.

Great views!  Though I wished that they planted all yellow and red leaf-ed trees on the road, instead of mixing in some of those ever-greens.

Lots of fun taking lots of photos.  Time away from it all.  Time just to chill....and not think.

I'm happier today...than I was yesterday lol!  Thank you God.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow....is a brand new day.

The sun better be shining.

Depression

Feeling really really really depressed at the moment.

Pretty sure I suffer from depression.  I should see a doctor and try to get some antidepressants.

Can a Christian take antidepressants?  

I've seen suffering from depression for as long as I can  remember....I think it probably is a chemical thing in my brain.

Sigh...

At least tomorrow...should be good.

Hopefully..

Amongst the dips in life

Just wanted to note, that amongst all the dips in my life, I always know that God is there.

I realised that I'll most likely just write here when I'm really down (thus can't sleep lol), but I just want to clarify that I am always walking with God.

I love God.  He is my source, he is my connection.  Despite all the  (insert foul word) that happens in my life, all the negative emotions that courses through my beings, I will never leave God.

How can I leave Him?  He is the truth.  There is no way to turn away and live a lie.

God has  plan for me.  God has a plan for my suffering.  Though people may cause me suffering, God will use it for His glory.

I know that God will get me through this.  I just need to keep reminding myself to seek him, and not run after other idols - other sources that I may think will bring me comfort.

There is only one true God.

    The rest are false idols.

There is more to life,

     Than the beating existence of my heart,

  Thumping as time goes past

     Achieving nothing besides just living... floating like a ghost.

Life has more purpose

  Than just to bring me pleasure

     Than just to make me happy.

The glory of God

   Will surround my sorrows

       And lift me above the sufferings.

May God be praised forever

                        Amen.

What are Words...

What are words?

They offer so much hope, so much promises, so much emotions.

Yet as quickly as they come, they become empty.

Empty words

   Empty promises

I'm such a sucker for words.  I believe them so easily.

   So easily fooled.

I read back on those words.  How meaningless they are now.  

     How utterly useless.
Why do I keep reading,

   Even though I know only pain lies at the end.

For some reason it instill in me an odd feeling.  What is it....

On one hand, you relive those moments, those emotions, those hopes.

   For a moment you actually feel loved.

 It's like being in denial.

How stupid of me.

Those words.....

Atm are probably being given to someone else.

Those same promises and declaration of love..

   To someone else.

How empty

  How utterly useless.

Is that the cycle of life?

What are words, if they don't last?

Will they just fade away 

   Like ink on paper

     Washed away with water?

No, unfortunately they remain

  Reminding me of how empty they are.

Away with them!  I don't want them anymore.....

FB sux

Its funny....the moment you see that someone, with someone else.  Like you always knew it, but when you actually see it......it's a whole new level.

It really hits you...that it really is over.  

    They're really with someone else...

Someone else is holding them, 

    someone else is caring for them....

They're holding someone else, 

    they're caring for someone else.....

Reality hits.

It sux...but at the same time..it's really good.

Now there's no more hope, no more stupid thoughts, 

    no more fantasy.

It's closure.......and I needed closure.

Then again...you think you know someone...but then you realise that you don't know them at all.

They act.....like a different person. A person you don't know.

It's finally over now.  I can clear my head.... it's refreshing.

No more stupidity.  I gotta learn to control my own emotions and feelings.

It's funny how things overwhelm us...and we have no control of the emotions which rushes through us.  It's like in my veins, pumping through my heart.

I hope she's happy...

   and yet...

      part of me hope that it won't last....

    is that bad??

        probably.....

 Sigh...

    at the feelings running through my veins.

Gotta stop looking through my photos..

Looking back at the photos.... we've shared so much.... How did it disappear so quickly?  

Moments ago we were together.  Moments later you have someone else...

Kevin... you know that you can't make her happy.  If they're with someone who can make them happy... isn't that a good thing?

I'm tired of her tears just as much as she is..

Wth is wrong with me??

Fading away...

I don't know why, but tonight I feel very sad, lonely, and depressed.  Did anything bad happen in my day? No.  Did I have a full and fun day?  Yes.  

Yet as soon as I get home, this feeling sets in.  It's a very familiar feeling to me; one that I feel very often in the past few months.

I look at my life...and I see nothing worthwhile in it.  I look at my future, and I see nothing worth looking forward to.  What is the point?  I see no point.

God died for me, and I feel like he's the only one who love me.  This world....has nothing for me.  I live....like a ghost, like a shadow.  Just blending in, slowly fading away.

How often I think of death.  I would welcome it, like a father welcoming his lost son.  Yet God never grants me that blessing.  Instead, I struggle on, going through each day by day.  Pointless...

Oh I remember the times when I was riding my motorbike.  Thoughts would flash through my head: what happens if I just tip over.  It would end it.  So quick....so easy.....yet I never did it.

I want to ride again.  Maybe then, God would eventually bless me with my wish.

I want to see heaven open before me.  Where there is no more sorrow and sadness.  No more pain and misery. No more hurt.  No more loneliness.

What a pathetic life I've lived.  Only God is worth anything, while I'm utterly worthless.

Where is hope?  My only hope is that this will end soon, and that I'll be able to live with my God, whom I love so dearly.  

This wretched world.... oh how I wish I could leave it.

This Song...

2AM - This Song (English)

Lyrics written by tsubasa ©

(Verse 1)
Even though I blew a secret within a day.
Even though I thought I lost your trust in a way.
Even though you didn't really want to say, oh no,
but I knew that everything was not okay.

Every night is a sleepless night,
Everyday is a struggle and fight,
but when I hear your voice it makes me feel light.

Now it's my time to apologise,
I admit it's worse than telling lies.
Hoping it'll create stronger ties

(Chorus 1)
Why does one thing bad conceal the good with sad?
Cos that's how life is, but the good was still had.
Why do we try best to survive the relationship test?
Cos we respect, appreciate, forgive, love and care for our
best...friend.

(Verse 2)
Everytime I see you it seems that you don't care.
I see you smiling and having fun with everyone there.
What we had, now it's lost. Just let go, when it's gone.
It's never coming back.
and I knew that things won't be the same again.

Every sight is a painful sight,
Every say is a struggle or fight,
but when you hear this song I hope it makes you feel right.

Now it's a promise to try forever,
nothing is worse than to cry for each other.
Hoping one day we can fly together. (far away and away)

(Chorus 2)
Why does one thing bad conceal the good with sad?
Cos that's how life is, but the good was still had.
Why do we try best to survive the relationship test?
Cos we respect, appreciate, forgive, love and care for our
best friend.

(Chorus 3)
Why is it so hard to see you now?
Cos that's how life is, but I won't let you down.
Why do we all fight to keep the relationship sound?
Cos we respect, appreciate, forgive and care for the ones we love.

The start...

I've decided to start a blog for myself.  Something for me to do during my state of insomnia (which is frequent nowadays).

To start, I'll put out a post that I posted online once.  It's funny how you can write quite poetic things when you are full of different kinds of emotions....

Things come and go
Feelings up and down
Yet issues remain
Resurfacing again and again..

What makes one happy
For certain moments it is clear
Will it make one happy forever
Now that is unclear

The mind conflicted
The heart.. in anguish
Where is the line
Between hope and fantasy
Where is the line
Between dreams and reality

Who knows what the future holds
Who knows where we will be
Our hopes our dreams
Our wants our desires
Like rocks in the ocean
Moulded by the waves
What was..is constantly changed
Some parts are same, some are different
Who knows where the waves will take us?

One can only hope
That as we are tossed around in the ocean
That it will bring us closer
Not further
More tough and smooth
Not broken in two
The human heart can only hope
The human mind can only think
The body can only try

Where will we be?
Where will we be?
Only God knows.