Messages

Why msg me....

    And yet say nothing?

Why msg me...

   And yet not reply?

What do I say?

    What do I do?

                  What is the point?

In the cracks

The world passes by around me

     I am there....fallen in the cracks.

People pass by me

     I am there....hidden in the shadows.

Time moves on

     I float by.....like a ghost.

Disconnected...

     Uncared...

          Unloved.

Memories

Memories of the past...

     haunting me.

Pain....

   betrayal.

  How stupid I am.

Opening my heart..

    Just to let it get pierced.

  Broken

          into bits and pieces.

Confused....

  of where my future is heading.

      Or even _where_ I want it to lead to.

What to do?

   Choosing to do nothing is also a choice....

Schizophrenia

Sigh... 

Why am I constantly filled with emotions of highs and lows?

And yet the lows are always at night, when I'm at home by myself.

No one around.  Just lots of thinking.

I'm such a schizophrenic person lol!

Sigh...

More careful..

hahahaha....

I should be more careful of what I write onto here.

And yet...I did not expect that they would be reading this......

     But who really cares about being nice anymore.  Obviously "they" were sooo nice in the first place...bleh.  If you don't like what I write...then don't read it.

Guess you learn something new every day.

Disconnection

Yet again.....

Feeling disconnected......

    again........

God Avenges

It's funny realli...

  When you realise that God _is_ just!  Like I know...but now I've experienced it.

I remember when I found out what happened, I thought "When negative things happen in your life you'll know why".  And I know that it's bad that I thought that, rather than the "God forgive them for they do not know what they do", but that was what I felt.  However, I really didn't truly believe that'll happen.

And yet now, I look at my life.  My work is stable, I've been getting very easy days at work.  Nothing stressful at all.  And in the mean time the other person has very stressful full-on days at work.  Seeing all their patients.  And today and yesterday, while we were at the conference, bumping into each other and having small (awkward) talks, I find out unfortunate things in their life.

I feel sad for them, and I really do wish that their life was easier and better.  And yet...I can't help but remember back to what I thought - how can a person do this and God will still just bless them and give them everything?  Now I realise that God really does correct, he really does train people who are lacking.  I would not say God is punishing the person, but disciplining them to be a better person.  They probably don't even realise that though.

Just like in my life.  I think that things turn out the way they are.... probably because of my actions.  The sins in my life, the things that need changing.  I guess I deserved all the crap that's happened in my life.  Can't really complain I guess.

So yeah...this does show that God doesn't turn a blind eye to things that happen in this life.  While they're not "wicked", I just want to use the phrase that "the wicked won't get away with everything"...not even in this life.

Like I said, I wish them all the best in this life, and I wouldn't want bad things to happen.  But I do love God, and it's good to know that He _does_ see, he _does_ repay.  

As God said:

"It is mine to avenge

    I will repay".

I just have to trust in Him and depend on him as my Rock, and my Portion.

Waves of the riverfront

Day started out depressing.

  Feeling lonely and disconnected.

What's the point of socialising...

  These people that I probably won't see again for at least one year.

     Superficial friendship...

  Going no where....

    Achieving nothing.

Rather be alone, by myself.

   Reflecting upon life along the river front.

Hearing the gentle waves

   Breeze of the icy cold air.

  Sitting in lectures by myself.

     What's the point of sitting next to another?

Yet....

Seeing my past love.

  Wishing I didn't see her.

What was the point of her sitting next to me?

  It was just superficial... achieving nothing.  

    Just making me think.... of things long gone.

And yet

  Once the night came.

It was actually very fun.

  Maybe it's the little bit of alcohol

    Making me loosen up, and allowing me to feel happy.

Fun talking to people.

  Fun chilling in the room.

A dinner, but which is like a "Ball".

  Chilling with people.

Some friends

Some past friends

Some randoms

Overall it was a good night.

Hope I would feel better, and not disconnected tomorrow.

My portion

"When my heart was grieved

     and my spirit embittered.

  ........

  Whom have I in heaven but you?

     And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

  My flesh and my heart may fail,

     but God is the strength of my heart

     and my portion forever."

Interesting passage.  Similar to what I do feel.  No matter how down I am, God will always be my Lord.  What else is there?  There is nothing else besides God.

How long, O Lord?

"How long, O Lord? 

       Will you forget me forever?

     How long will you hide your face from me?

  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

      and every day have sorrow in my heart?

      How long will my enemy triumph over me?

.........................................

 But I trust in your unfailing love;

      my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 I will sing to the Lord,

      for he has been good to me."

Alone...

"You (have left) me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me"...

Great day!

Had a GREAT day today.  The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot or cold.  Bright Autumn Festival!

Had a great drive - though 3hrs 30 mins each way took a while lol.

Great views!  Though I wished that they planted all yellow and red leaf-ed trees on the road, instead of mixing in some of those ever-greens.

Lots of fun taking lots of photos.  Time away from it all.  Time just to chill....and not think.

I'm happier today...than I was yesterday lol!  Thank you God.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow....is a brand new day.

The sun better be shining.

Depression

Feeling really really really depressed at the moment.

Pretty sure I suffer from depression.  I should see a doctor and try to get some antidepressants.

Can a Christian take antidepressants?  

I've seen suffering from depression for as long as I can  remember....I think it probably is a chemical thing in my brain.

Sigh...

At least tomorrow...should be good.

Hopefully..

Amongst the dips in life

Just wanted to note, that amongst all the dips in my life, I always know that God is there.

I realised that I'll most likely just write here when I'm really down (thus can't sleep lol), but I just want to clarify that I am always walking with God.

I love God.  He is my source, he is my connection.  Despite all the  (insert foul word) that happens in my life, all the negative emotions that courses through my beings, I will never leave God.

How can I leave Him?  He is the truth.  There is no way to turn away and live a lie.

God has  plan for me.  God has a plan for my suffering.  Though people may cause me suffering, God will use it for His glory.

I know that God will get me through this.  I just need to keep reminding myself to seek him, and not run after other idols - other sources that I may think will bring me comfort.

There is only one true God.

    The rest are false idols.

There is more to life,

     Than the beating existence of my heart,

  Thumping as time goes past

     Achieving nothing besides just living... floating like a ghost.

Life has more purpose

  Than just to bring me pleasure

     Than just to make me happy.

The glory of God

   Will surround my sorrows

       And lift me above the sufferings.

May God be praised forever

                        Amen.

What are Words...

What are words?

They offer so much hope, so much promises, so much emotions.

Yet as quickly as they come, they become empty.

Empty words

   Empty promises

I'm such a sucker for words.  I believe them so easily.

   So easily fooled.

I read back on those words.  How meaningless they are now.  

     How utterly useless.
Why do I keep reading,

   Even though I know only pain lies at the end.

For some reason it instill in me an odd feeling.  What is it....

On one hand, you relive those moments, those emotions, those hopes.

   For a moment you actually feel loved.

 It's like being in denial.

How stupid of me.

Those words.....

Atm are probably being given to someone else.

Those same promises and declaration of love..

   To someone else.

How empty

  How utterly useless.

Is that the cycle of life?

What are words, if they don't last?

Will they just fade away 

   Like ink on paper

     Washed away with water?

No, unfortunately they remain

  Reminding me of how empty they are.

Away with them!  I don't want them anymore.....