Bland-ness

Gonna leave for Thailand soon.

   I should be very happy, looking forward to the holiday.

     And I am..

  And yet I'm not.

Everything seems bland.

   All I can feel are shitty feelings..

       Even when I'm around people..

     And especially when I'm alone.

Had friends over for dinner yesterday.

  It was great fun.

    Had a friend do so much at my house..

   Clean...cooked...did everything.

  Surrounded by people..

           and yet I still felt so alone.

It's been almost 6 months already.

    Why am I still so screwed up.

  Why do I wish for nothing else besides death.

       Why does everything seem pointless.

    Why do I always think.. always feel.. always get crushed..

             by those closest to me?