Wow ppl actually read this..

Wow I just realised that people actually read this....

I just assumed that no one would.

I've always written freely, as if no one else could see.

I guess I don't mind.  However usually it's written late at night, or when I'm really down.  So most of the blogs are just me being depressed.

I used to do diaries...but now I cbs anymore.  Somehow blogging over the internet is easier and more accessible for me.  Also I blog to free my emotions, rather to try and keep a record of my life.

We really are a generation stuck to the internet.  Where I get replies off facebook faster than if I txted or emailed.......

Fleeting

What is the point

  when it can be gone so easily?

When it is so fleeting

  disappearing any time?

All the effort put in

  time, money, energy

No one actually realises

  how much it costs, how much it's worth.

What is the point

  why try at all?

I'd rather just be alone

  dwelling within my own lonely existence.

PMS

I think I'm in the Emo stage of my PMS cycle.

Except lately I think the cycle is every week....and my PMS has been lasting for 8 months now.

Funny how I hear about people's problems.... and while I feel for them and wish I could make things better... the funny thing is I don't think they realise how I feel with my life.

People just assume if you don't say anything, then your life must be good.  Why must I have to tell people for them to know how I'm feeling?  People don't really care.  If they did then they would dwelve, and then they would see.

But it doesn't really matter, because nothing they can do will change it anyway.

But lately I've been so busy, hanging around so many people, doing so many things.

But yet I constantly feel so alone.

The things I do only serve to distract me from my thoughts.  But every night I lie in bed...unable to escape, unable to block the thoughts......

God is enough...?

We're constantly singing songs of praise.

"You're all I need"

"God is enough"

"All I need is you Lord"

Saying that the only thing we need in life is God, and nothing else.

But do we really believe it?  Are we satisfied with just God alone?

That is the question I've been struggling with.

We constantly crave human companionship.  We're made for interaction with other people.  Then how can we say God is enough?

I am constantly seeking God.  And yet I'm always feeling so lonely, as my interactions with other people are lacking.  

And especially, I long for that someone special.  Someone to love, to care for.  Someone who'll love me, support me, respect me.

And yet I say God alone is enough.  And I AM living like that at the moment...not really seeking other relationships.  But my soul cries out loneliness... a loneliness that somehow God alone can't fulfill.  God said "It is not good for man to be alone"...even though Adam had God already.  So God alone isn't enough?  However it must be noted that God was the one who said that.... it's not like Adam went to God and said "I'm lonely, can you give me someone else".  So Adam himself wasn't feeling lonely....was he?

Right now I am constantly telling myself that God is enough.  But I don't know if it's just because I've been so scarred... so hurt.... so crushed.... that I never want to trust another human being again.  I feel that never again do I want to give my heart to anyone.  Never again.  And so I reason that God is enough...but is it just an excuse to comfort my broken and bitter heart?

Does God want us to live in this life...surround ourselves with people.  Give our self away to other people, maybe even fall in love and get married to someone.... but then really feel that God alone is enough?  If God alone is enough, then there's no point caring about anything else.  Cuz if you cared about anything, then you'll be afraid of losing it...and then God alone wouldn't be enough.

But then.. I guess that WAS how Jesus lived.  Surrounded by people.  Always going from person to person, life to life.  And yet I think he always felt isolated from everyone... besides God.  He lived with people, and yet his relationship with God the Father was enough.

A strange concept.

How can I continue my life, depending ONLY on God... 

    And yet not let bitterness and sorrow overwhelm me? 

Sadness and misery knocking at my door. 

     Depression and loneliness filling up my life.

Is God enough?  And why is my life/thinking/emotions not reflecting that?

Loved..

Knowing that I'm loved...

   yet feeling so unloved....

LoL so funny cuz just a few hours ago I was thinking how much happier I've been lately.  Now i'm like this.  I'm so fully suffering from depression bleh.

Anyway lately I've been feeling very close to God.  Not a high feeling...but I keep constantly thinking about Him.  I want to read the Bible, I want to go to bible studies (sometimes going to 2 bible studies a week haha), I want to know more about God.  I want to do theology college.... I want to know God.

My mind is very close to God.  And yet emotionally I'm still so burnt and drained.....

Guess that's life.  

Who knows?  
   No one knows... just God.  
 No one cares...just God.  
     Once again my mind knows...
                       ..but not my heart.