Happy Things...

I've been told

  to write some happy things on here

LoL :p

Life is going okay,

I'm content at the moment.

That's a good thing..  I think.

Still sick.... been sick for 2 months... coughing heaps atm :(

Happy happy things... hmmm

1. I don't like girls anymore...

2. I need more male friends....

3. Oh wait...if you put 1 and 2 together... noooo it's not what you think!!! >.<

Happy happy... hmm.

I should be getting my Fuji x100 tomorrow!  I've finally decided on it over the Olympus e-p3 (initially I had the x100 but had to send it back cuz of a dead/stuck pixel on the lcd at the back.  Then they couldn't send me a new cuz it's out of stock everywhere.  After 1.5 months they've finally given me back my refund.... minus $40's worth of postage >.<).

It was still out of stock everywhere.... so I didn't think I'll be able to get it.  However today, a place where I got onto a waiting list for, rung me...and they said they have one for me!!!!

Hopefully I can pick it up tomorrow between Outreach work and before returning back to the College!

Yay!! Happy Happy Happy.......

Wow ppl actually read this..

Wow I just realised that people actually read this....

I just assumed that no one would.

I've always written freely, as if no one else could see.

I guess I don't mind.  However usually it's written late at night, or when I'm really down.  So most of the blogs are just me being depressed.

I used to do diaries...but now I cbs anymore.  Somehow blogging over the internet is easier and more accessible for me.  Also I blog to free my emotions, rather to try and keep a record of my life.

We really are a generation stuck to the internet.  Where I get replies off facebook faster than if I txted or emailed.......

Fleeting

What is the point

  when it can be gone so easily?

When it is so fleeting

  disappearing any time?

All the effort put in

  time, money, energy

No one actually realises

  how much it costs, how much it's worth.

What is the point

  why try at all?

I'd rather just be alone

  dwelling within my own lonely existence.

PMS

I think I'm in the Emo stage of my PMS cycle.

Except lately I think the cycle is every week....and my PMS has been lasting for 8 months now.

Funny how I hear about people's problems.... and while I feel for them and wish I could make things better... the funny thing is I don't think they realise how I feel with my life.

People just assume if you don't say anything, then your life must be good.  Why must I have to tell people for them to know how I'm feeling?  People don't really care.  If they did then they would dwelve, and then they would see.

But it doesn't really matter, because nothing they can do will change it anyway.

But lately I've been so busy, hanging around so many people, doing so many things.

But yet I constantly feel so alone.

The things I do only serve to distract me from my thoughts.  But every night I lie in bed...unable to escape, unable to block the thoughts......

God is enough...?

We're constantly singing songs of praise.

"You're all I need"

"God is enough"

"All I need is you Lord"

Saying that the only thing we need in life is God, and nothing else.

But do we really believe it?  Are we satisfied with just God alone?

That is the question I've been struggling with.

We constantly crave human companionship.  We're made for interaction with other people.  Then how can we say God is enough?

I am constantly seeking God.  And yet I'm always feeling so lonely, as my interactions with other people are lacking.  

And especially, I long for that someone special.  Someone to love, to care for.  Someone who'll love me, support me, respect me.

And yet I say God alone is enough.  And I AM living like that at the moment...not really seeking other relationships.  But my soul cries out loneliness... a loneliness that somehow God alone can't fulfill.  God said "It is not good for man to be alone"...even though Adam had God already.  So God alone isn't enough?  However it must be noted that God was the one who said that.... it's not like Adam went to God and said "I'm lonely, can you give me someone else".  So Adam himself wasn't feeling lonely....was he?

Right now I am constantly telling myself that God is enough.  But I don't know if it's just because I've been so scarred... so hurt.... so crushed.... that I never want to trust another human being again.  I feel that never again do I want to give my heart to anyone.  Never again.  And so I reason that God is enough...but is it just an excuse to comfort my broken and bitter heart?

Does God want us to live in this life...surround ourselves with people.  Give our self away to other people, maybe even fall in love and get married to someone.... but then really feel that God alone is enough?  If God alone is enough, then there's no point caring about anything else.  Cuz if you cared about anything, then you'll be afraid of losing it...and then God alone wouldn't be enough.

But then.. I guess that WAS how Jesus lived.  Surrounded by people.  Always going from person to person, life to life.  And yet I think he always felt isolated from everyone... besides God.  He lived with people, and yet his relationship with God the Father was enough.

A strange concept.

How can I continue my life, depending ONLY on God... 

    And yet not let bitterness and sorrow overwhelm me? 

Sadness and misery knocking at my door. 

     Depression and loneliness filling up my life.

Is God enough?  And why is my life/thinking/emotions not reflecting that?

Loved..

Knowing that I'm loved...

   yet feeling so unloved....

LoL so funny cuz just a few hours ago I was thinking how much happier I've been lately.  Now i'm like this.  I'm so fully suffering from depression bleh.

Anyway lately I've been feeling very close to God.  Not a high feeling...but I keep constantly thinking about Him.  I want to read the Bible, I want to go to bible studies (sometimes going to 2 bible studies a week haha), I want to know more about God.  I want to do theology college.... I want to know God.

My mind is very close to God.  And yet emotionally I'm still so burnt and drained.....

Guess that's life.  

Who knows?  
   No one knows... just God.  
 No one cares...just God.  
     Once again my mind knows...
                       ..but not my heart.

Blessed

Lord, I am so blessed to be used by you to teach people your Word...

Can't Sleep

Lately I can't seem to sleep at night.

I'm slowly recovering from my cold/flu (coughing phase now)...but I'm actually finding it harder to sleep now than when I was fully sick.

Don't know why.....

I just lie in bed..

   tired...

  but can't fall asleep.

Thinking..

   Not thinking..

Don't know why, but I still haven't recovered from my sickness.

     Maybe it's a mental/emotional sickness that's manifested physically.

  Maybe it's a spiritual sickness....

I don't know..

  But I can't seem to sleep.

Forgiveness

I need to learn forgiveness.......

Solution..

Only You can mend the broken heart
And cause the blind to see
Erase complete the sinners past
And set the captives free

Only You can take the widows cry
And cause her heart to sing
Be a Father to the fatherless
Our Savior and our King

I will be Your hands, I will be Your feet
I will run this race
On the darkest place, I will be Your light
I will be Your light

Blessed..

Looking at my life

I'm so so blessed.

Dunno what I'm complaining about.

I need to really get over myself.

Man..

Man..

I gotta stop being so depressed and pessimistic lol!

It's life.. it'll always move on.  I'll move on.

Looking back over the past few months, God has always been there for me.  More so, he's always provided me with some great friends to keep me company through my super low's.

But it's so damn hard to control my emotions.. especially at night when I'm alone, or when I'm lying in bed trying to find sleep.  I really feel pathetic being overwhelmed with feelings so easily...

I need to start reading that book on Emotional Quotient (EQ)....

Sipping..

Sipping on some light desert wine..

So glad I'll be taking tomorrow off too, in accordance with my GP's recommendation.

Sick physically... sick mentally... How am I spiritually?

Spiritually...that's the only thing left for me.

Just me..

Just me...

   there is just me...

Sick..

  and alone...

But who really cares right?

Lead..

I heard, that you've moved on

   That you found a guy and you're happy now.
I heard that your dreams came true

    Guess he gave you things I didn't give to you...

I hate to keep messaging you uninvited

  But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my thoughts and that you'd be reminded,
      That for me, it isn't over...

Nevermind, I'll find someone, like you did.
   I wish nothing but the best for you, too.
"There'll be no one else after you"  I remember you said..

     I still remember the moments we shared.

Sometimes it lasts in love 

  But sometimes it hurts instead.
In the end there is only pain

     Changing my heart to lead...

Scars of love..

The scars of your love remind me of us
   They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
     I can't help feeling...

  We could have had it all

You had my heart inside of your hand..

    But you played it with a beating..

The scars of your love remind me of us
   They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
     I can't help feeling...

Low

Low.....so low...

Unrelated...and yet always interwined....

Reminiscence..

Cleaning up my room.

  Going through all the pieces of paper in creaks and crannies.

Seeing messages from my past love...

   Her handwritting...

     Her words of love...

       Her promises.

   Starting to reminisce again....

    Gosh I'm so stupid.

"I love you" for 2 years including December...

     "Break up cuz we can't work, 

     even though we love each other so so much" in January..   

         "I'm seeing someone else, and he makes me happy" in early March..

Ugh I was just recovering.  No more reminiscing!!!  Get over it!!

Back..

Back home from Thailand.

Still schizophrenic.

But somehow I feel a lot more at peace.

She's made her choice..

    She's made it clear.

Thank God.

      Please help me move on.

Love.. does not exist.

   At least not between people.

 It really is just all fake.

      Please help me remember that

                   As I hopefully move on.

God..

   I love you...

       And only you.

Selfishness

Is he really that much better than me?
Over 2 years of love...
   replaced so quickly..
     so easily.
So glad you're happy with your life...
  while other people are constantly in pain.
I guess it's ok as long as your happy..
  cuz life is just about yourself..
Who cares about what other people are feeling right?
Just like the rest of the world.